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How come I just gave birth to my second kid, and this time around nobody seems to give a shit?

Congratulations… On having your own little  “wingman” whenever you need to get away from the adults.

After giving birth, I'm convinced that: Mother Nature is a real Mother F’er.

To this day, I wonder how the hospital let me walk out with my baby when I had no qualifications whatsoever.

I never thought I’d be discussing “hemorrhoids” and “bladder control” in my 30s.

Those stretch marks will disappear soon. April Fool's!

Pregnancy is not up my alley.

My boobs are like bowling balls, my mouth is in the gutter, and I want to strike someone.

After labor, I was overjoyed when they brought in my long-awaited, precious… can of diet soda.

If my kid looks anything like the sonogram, I’m going to die.

Pregnancy was anything but magical for me.
Black magic, maybe.

News alert: Pregnancy lasts 10 months – not 9!
You would think they would’ve cleared that up by now.

There’s a reason they don’t tell you about the “mucous plug” sooner.

If I knew this bitchy nurse was going to deliver my baby, I wouldn’t have wasted months interviewing doctors.

Getting the baby out should’ve been priority #1 – but all I could think of was holding in #2.

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