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Think you’re the man of the house? First, man up to those poopy diapers.

Tonight, I’m all about a battery-operated device.
	The white noise machine.

I’ve heard of a “stay-at-home” mom, but are you going for a “stay-at-work” dad?

Hon, I'm sorry I sent you to the birthday party on the wrong day.

Honey, lying on the couch watching the guy do P90X doesn’t count.

You work full time. I work full time. How come I'm the only one who knows our son needs new socks?

I’ve jotted down baby names since I was 9. What the hell gives you the right to chime in now?

Why is it that my last relaxing vacation was in the Maternity Ward?

Working late on Wall Street is easy street – compared to putting the kids to bed.

The way you empty the dishwasher gets me aroused.

Should I be concerned that you’re watching iCarly after our daughter has gone to sleep?

I have engorged boobs, the baby’s crying, and I haven’t slept.
I hope you’re choking on your gourmet client lunch.

I see you packed a 500-page novel to bring on family vacation.
Which family are you traveling with?

Please realize that asking “when are you doing whites?” are fighting words.

After a full day of floor-play,
I need lots of foreplay.

If you let me sleep in -
there’s a chance I’ll put out.

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