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I can’t stand the whining, crying, and tantrums over toys. I wouldn’t do that if they were easier to assemble.

Am I the only one who misses my kids in camp all day  - yet need a break after the first 5 minutes they’re home?

There is hell on earth. The bathing suit dressing room

Is there a Groupon for free time, so I can use the Groupon?

I just heard those 3 words that make my heart stand still. My head itches.

A plea to all waiters and waitresses: Don't be a hero. Just write down our orders.

My kid just reached a major milestone. He stopped calling me a poopy head.

We've got the 5 food groups covered in my house - chicken nuggets, fries, mac ‘n cheese, pizza, and fruit roll ups.

I named my kid after a significant historical figure. Jake Ryan from Sixteen Candles.

The scariest sound in the middle of the night: “Mommy”

Becoming a mom has turned me into such a loser - keys, remotes, and my sanity.

I twist myself into a pretzel in yoga 

yet I can’t walk from stepping on a LEGO.

OMG! I forgot to bring a snack in the car.

I don’t remember the game “Candyland” being so painful.

It’s f’d up that I’m begging my picky kid to eat McDonald’s.

Just went through the airport check-in with 2 kids under 2. Getting arrested would’ve been less traumatic.

To the Babies R Us guy: Telling me it’s in “the back of the store” is no help.

I’m finding it difficult to communicate with my husband. My kid learned how to spell.

Wow, Wow, Wuzby... Wu, Wu, Wu the F?

Am I the only one who gets road rage at preschool drop off?

Who needs Christian Grey for submission and torture?
I have my waxing girl.

My baby is getting older. Her breath really stinks now.

FYI to everyone: My kid looks like a mismatched clown today because daddy dressed her.

The worst part about my kid’s annoying cough, gross vomit, and horrific diarrhea - is that I can’t switch places.

I want to be involved with something green other than my kids' boogers.

Sure, I'd love to clean up the planet. First, I need to figure out how to clean up my kids.

I’d rather my husband look at porn than the domestic miracles that are revealed on Pinterest.

My kid tried to use her finger to color a picture. Time to cut back on the iPad.

My kid could go on an adventure to the moon and all she'd report back is: “I played.”

Spring Break no longer involves your smoking hot bikini. Now it’s about your kid’s steaming hot diaper.

I never thought I'd turn into one of those pushy, cut-throat moms. It's Girl Scout cookie time.

In the news: Alicia Silverstone feeds baby her chewed up food. Hmmm, interesting... at least I wouldn't have to think about what to give my kids for dinner.

I'd consider going to the bathroom in a filthy gas station 
if it meant going in peace.

After bickering with my daughter like she’s 20, 
she laughs at Big Bird and I remember she’s still only 5.

How come my babysitter “clean$ up” – yet she doesn’t clean up?

Walking down the aisle was once a dreamy experience…

Now it’s a nightmare.

I used to dream of writing a book.
Now I fantasize about reading one.

In the news: Kids left behind at Chuck E. Cheese's. I also had a disturbing experience. Their pizza.

Getting my kid off the bottle is driving me to the bottle.

Yes, my kid is too old for his binky.
Suck it.

I didn’t know I was giving birth to twins… identical muffin tops.

This Sunday, I’m excited to see an Oscar that doesn’t live in a trash can.

How come my 6-year-old can’t tie her shoes, 
yet she can create an App?

Why am I super organized on Pinterest yet my house is a shitstorm?

Don’t call social services…
I’m just wrestling my kid into the car seat.

I’m glad I spent a fortune on my daughter’s blingy outfit, when she insists on dressing like a grungy, strung-out hobo.

The “popular” girls used to be in AEΦ  –
now they’re in the PTA.

This whole breast-feeding thing is a booby trap.

Yes, my kid is too old for diapers
No shit.

It used to be about about getting into a hot new dance club.
Now it’s about finding a spot in Zumba.

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